Post Emily Post

New Twitter Name

2010-04-08T08:12:00.000-05:00

If you've been following me on Twitter you know that I tweet a lot more than advice. As a result, it seemed misleading to continue to use the handle @newetiquette, so I've changed my Twitter handle to something that better reflects my eclectic tweeting style. I am now @observacious on Twitter. If you've been following me, expect more of the same. If you haven't been following, perhaps you want to try now? I tweet blog updates and advice as well as other items of interest.

5 Tips for Packing (Relatively) Light for a Baby

2010-03-30T10:01:00.001-05:00

When I was pregnant I remember being out with a friend and her one-year old. She didn't have one of those enormous diaper bags; she just had a moderately sized purse into which she had stashed a couple diapers, some wipes, an extra onesie, and a rattle. (She was breastfeeding, so she didn't need a bottle.) When I commented about her lack of a giant bag she said, "It's just a baby." I try to remember that whenever I go out with my now one-year old.

I feel that a lot of parents (usually mothers) burden themselves with far too much kid related stuff. Granted, the longer you are going to be out with the baby the more stuff you are likely to need. Also, although I don't have the personal experience yet, I understand that as kids get older they get more demanding about have certain things on the ready. Still, I think a lot of parents overdo it. At some point I should post about my philosophy of what you need for normal days out with a baby, but since this is a follow-up to my previous 10 Tips for Packing Light when travelling, I'm going to focus on overnight trips particularly those involving air travel.

First, what was tip number nine for mommy packing is the number one item for babies:

Take advantage of your destination. This is important with babies because diapers are bulky. Unless you are going to a remote destination, for long stays it is best to buy most of your necessary supply when you arrive. If you are visiting family or friends they may even be willing to pick some up for you and have them waiting. The same can go for cans of formula and jars of baby food as needed.
See what you can borrow. Similar to item one this involves using what resources may be at your destination. Do you have friends or family in the area who have children? See if you can borrow a portable crib/playard, stroller, or even a car seat (if you are flying with your child as a lap baby who won't need the seat for the plane). If you are going the commercial route, see if your hotel has cribs available or if your rental car company has car seats. I know you like to have *your* things, but your travel will be a lot easier if you don't need to haul as much stuff.
Invest in gear for common destinations. If you are visiting family and friends who you are likely to visit fairly frequently, consider purchasing key baby gear to keep there if your hosts are willing to store it. Particularly with most airlines imposing checked baggage fees, buying a used portable crib/playard (an item you would likely have to check) may actually be cheaper than the cost of hauling it round trip. At minimum you'd make it up in a few trips. For us, both sets of grandparents are prepared with playards, strollers, and high chairs, which makes trips to visit a whole lot easier.
Rethink what you actually need. Some people like having a stroller in the airport, but particularly when I travel with the baby alone, I find the extra item cumbersome when it comes to actually getting on the airplane. As a result I prefer to use a wearable baby carrier that is easy to throw in a carry on and allows me to navigate the airport with my hands free.
Consider buying smaller/lightweight gear for travel. If you will be travelling multiple times a year it may be worth it to buy some gear that is easier to transport than the super industrial stuff you may use day-to-day:

Airplane seats are narrow, so some of the bigger car seats don't fit well in them anyway. Find a car seat that is narrow and lighter to carry. Even if you aren't going to gate check it invest in a carrying bag or wheeled cart to help you haul it through the airport.
Use an umbrella stroller instead of a full sized one. It will be lighter, and if you get a fairly inexpensive one you won't be upset if it gets banged up a bit.

Of course, you do need to make sure you have enough stuff to take care of your baby even if your plane is delayed. As a result, be sure your carry on includes

Twice as many diapers and wipes as you would normally need for the time you expect to be at the airport and on the plane.
At least one change of outfit. (If your baby is prone to spitting up you may want to throw in an extra shirt for yourself.)
Twice as much food as you think you would need. Be sure to check the current TSA policies for liquids. At the time of this writing, you can bring larger quantities of breast milk and other baby food than the normal 3 oz limit, but you need to declare it.
If you are nursing, you may want to consider a nursing cover if it will help you to nurse comfortably in a public terminal or on the plane.
Favorite distractions such as toys or books. (Not too many, but enough to help baby be entertained.).

10 Tips for Packing Light

2010-03-16T15:51:00.000-05:00

I didn’t post last week because we were traveling. I think this was the baby’s 9th plane ride. He’s a pro. Because this was his first trip since learning to walk I was nervous. He generally doesn’t like to sit still for more than 2 minutes much less 2 hours, but as per usual, he slept for most of the flight.

Despite the good behavior, I have to admit that traveling with a baby is annoying. You see, my husband and I were always proud to travel light. Even before the days of exorbitant fees for checked bags we rarely checked luggage. For short trips, we usually used one small, roller bag for BOTH of us. However, with a baby comes stuff. Diapers. A car seat. The baby himself. We usually check luggage now if only because we don’t have enough arms to make it through the airport. Still, we manage to pack a lot lighter than most of the crowds in the “family and medical liquids” security lane. (I’m guessing a lot of these families don’t worry about getting housesitters since I doubt they have much left at home.)

Packing light makes traveling easier and more enjoyable. Not only don’t you have to pay those bag fees, but you don’t get a backache hauling mounds of luggage through unfamiliar terrain. Plus, you can use that extra space for bringing back treasures from your trip!

For those, like @spicymeatball who may be at a loss for how to pack light I’m sharing some of my tips. Today I’ll share tips for grown-ups (mostly women...it's what I know). These are the tips I’ve followed for years and continue to do today. Then, I’ll follow up with some tips for packing light (or at least lighter) with a baby.

Packing Light: For You

Plan to layer. Having a bunch of clothes that you can layer together provides greater wardrobe flexibility and helps keep you prepared for unexpected warm/cold spells. The weight of the layers will depend on the time of year and destination. For a winter trip in the mountains your heaviest layer may be a wool sweater and your lightest layer may be a t-shirt. For a summer trip to the beach your heaviest layer may be a cotton cardigan and your lightest layer may be a tank top (and of course your swimsuit).
Color-coordinate everything. Put all your clothes in a pile. If anything doesn’t match everything else eliminate it. Include any workout clothes or pajamas that may sneak in for double duty. Color-coordination allows you to take full advantage of your layering potential (see item 1).
Bring only one of each piece of clothing. It you want to bring a skirt, bring one versatile one. Bring one pair of jeans. Bring one cardigan and so on. You gain more versatility through using your space for different types of items rather than different colors of the same item.
Choose pieces that don't easily wrinkle or show spills/stains. For a long trip be prepared to rinse a few things in the sink or find a laundry.
Choose clothes that you can dress up or down with accessories. Jewelry, scarves, and make-up take up a lot less space than a whole different outfit.
Ballet flats are your friends. I love shoes and have many fun heels, but heels take up valuable packing space. If I’m going to a wedding or something else where I really need to dress up I’ll bring them; otherwise, I don’t bother. Ballet flats can dress up enough to go to a nice restaurant or theater and they pack flat. (Or, if you wear them in the airport, they slip off easily for security.)
Bring a dressy purse that fits inside your casual purse. A large purse is nice because it can carry a book and snacks on the plane or whatever you need for a day of sight-seeing. However, when dressing things up with accessories (per item 5) a large bag tends to scream casual. Choose a clutch or other evening bag that fits into your large purse. It saves space in your luggage and helps organize your larger bag.
Wear your bulkiest items on the plane. If you are traveling between places with dramatically different climates this may not be practical, but to the extent possible wear your heaviest items on the plane to save the space in your bag. This includes the shoes. (Do remember that you'll have to take them off for security screening. If those chunky, buckle-up boots take 15 minutes to put on and off they’re best left at home.)
Take advantage of your destination. Sure, if you are going to an isolated resort things may be unavailable or overpriced, so you have to bring everything. On the other hand, if you will be in civilization you may be able to get what you need at your locations. Staying at a hotel? Check to see what they provide from hairdryers to toothbrushes. Staying with friends or family? See what you can borrow. You may find that you don’t need to pack that giant beach towel.
Don’t bring unnecessary bulk. If you are carrying on all your bags you already have to limit your liquids to the 3-1-1 rule. However, once resigned to checking luggage many people just throw in their economy-sized shampoo bottle. If you check your luggage you can have bottles over 3 ounces, but try to keep the size appropriate to the length of your stay.

Bonus tip: Pack an extra bag. Packing light is about not burdening yourself with belongings from home, but it shouldn’t prevent you from picking up fabulous finds that will remind you of your journey. If you don’t have enough space in your existing bag(s), you’ll be thankful to have a lightweight duffle packed away just in case.

3 Oscar Party Etiquette Tips

2010-03-02T10:53:00.000-06:00

The Oscars are on Sunday, and many of you may be going to Oscar parties. For some people, this is like their Super Bowl. Others like the opportunity to make clever menus. But like any thematic social occasion some specific rules apply.

1. No spoilers.
As someone who finally saw The Wrestler last month, I can definitely say that just because someone hasn't seen a movie before the Oscars does not mean they never intend to see it. Unless you know for sure that everyone has seen a particular movie, don't spoil it. That means not describing the ending OR revealing any plot point that you might lead into with "I couldn't believe it when..." or "I totally wasn't expecting..." Learn to talk about why a movie was good or bad without revealing it's secrets.

2. Know A Serious Man from A Single Man.
You may not be a big movie buff. You may only be going to an Oscar party to critique the dresses on the red carpet or to eat your host's food. Regardless, you'll be a much more interesting guest if you have at least a rough idea what's going on. Saying "I've never even heard of that movie" may be acceptable when the nominations are announced, but by awards time you should some of idea of what the nominated films are. Not to do so is the equivalent of going to a Super Bowl party and asking "Who's playing?"

3. Realize that Opinions Vary.
Much like at a Super Bowl party, it's okay to to engage in some smack talk as long as you obey the rules. But realize that no matter how much someone loves something you hate or hates something you love, everyone has a right to an opinion. Disagreeing with you does not mean other people are stupid...no matter how stupid their taste in movies may be.

Simple Recipe: Chicken and Apple Soup

2010-02-22T12:22:00.001-06:00

I didn't used to use my slow-cooker very much, but since becoming a mom I've started to use it a lot more. It allows me to cook dinner for my family without having to feel rushed in the evening. In honor of Smockity Frock's “What’s in your CrockPot?” Link-up, I'm sharing my husband's favorite slow-cooker meal. (And since the chicken is juicy and the apples are mushy it's a favorite of my son as well even though he's only 11 months old and still getting used to solid food.)

Chicken and Apple Soup

Cut a large onion into 4-6 wedges and place in the the bottom of a slow-cooker.
Core a large Granny Smith apple and cut into wedges. Place in the bottom of the slow-cooker.
Cover apples and onions with chicken broth.
Coat 6 chicken legs (We remove the skin first.) with Penzeys Turkish Seasoning.
Cook on low for 6-8 hours (or on high for 4-5 hours).

Don’t think of Buzz as just another social media app

2010-02-15T21:05:00.000-06:00

The release of Google Buzz is making a lot of people ask, “Do I really need another social media thing?” Others ask if Buzz will kill Twitter or Facebook or even its own sibling Wave. But these are the wrong questions to ask. You shouldn’t look at social media sites as different versions of the same thing. You should think of them as unique tools that you use can for different things.

Those of you old enough to remember when email starting rolling out to the masses may recall that many people preferred to just pick up the phone. Then they realized that email was a much cheaper way to contact people long distance. Or that it was nice to have a record of certain correspondence. Or that it was useful to send a message to multiple people at the same time. Or so many other things. Now most of us have situations in which email seems best and others when calling seems best. See also IM/Chat. See also phone text messages.

If you only use social media for a vague purpose (i.e. being “social”) using multiple sites can easily become overwhelming, but you can greatly improve your privacy and your sanity if you use multiple sites for distinct audiences and specific content.
The easiest example of specialization is LinkedIn because it has a self-defined purpose: professional networking. Ideally (and despite the ill-advised ability to tie it to your Twitterfeed) your LinkedIn profile should only contain information that you would feel comfortable discussing in a job interview. Standards of formality vary widely across professions, but your celebrity doppelganger or the urban dictionary definition of your name are probably not appropriate content for LinkedIn.

Other sites don’t have a universal purpose like LinkedIn. A focus may develop over time--like how MySpace became primarily a networking site for bands--but until then you can use Facebook, Twitter, Buzz, Wave and whatever else you may find in any way you’d like. I only suggest that you decide on a purpose for each site you use, and as my husband would say, don’t cross the streams.

For example, you may have one site that is your means of public interaction where you post for all the world to see and try to collect as many fans/followers as possible, then you have another site where you only communicate with people you know in real life. Perhaps you have another site that is locked down except for a few very close friends. Your site that’s public facing may be where you share interesting links and observations. Perhaps they have a theme, perhaps they don’t. You might then choose to keep your updates about your personal life somewhere else. And if you like to post complaints about your work, you'll want to restrict those to a site where you don't add your co-workers and boss.

Of course you may be an Internet exhibitionist who doesn’t care who knows all your personal updates (or you may want as many people as possible to see them). Then, I would argue you only need one site. Pick whichever one best fits your content and send everyone there.

Don’t try to fake activity on multiple sites by autofeeding content between them. Rather than strengthening your presence on all the sites this tends to dilute the meaning of all of them. Each site has its own strengths and weaknesses, which is why they each deserve their own content. Twitter has the advantage and limitation of brevity. Buzz has, for better or worse, the tie in with other Google account content. Facebook has…well…a whole lot of users. Sure you may sometimes want to share content in different places, but it’s best to do that by choice (such as the #fb tag for posting selected tweets to Facebook) rather than copying everything automatically. Twitter followers don’t want to see your truncated Facebook statuses, and Facebook/Buzz users don’t want to see Twit-specific garbles like, “lol RT @TwitGod @TwitDude Only if she’s paying #HashTagThatMeansNothingOutsideTwitter.”

I admit that a variable is your audience and what site(s) they use, but just because your friends are split amongst sites doesn’t mean you have to post everywhere. Someone who wants your content will find a way to get it. (For example, capturing your feed in an RSS reader.) And if they don’t…well, the world won’t end if someone misses your latest quip. Really.

Because Internet content is always difficult to reign in once it’s “out there,” consider starting each new social media exploration small: limited audience and/or limited scope of content. You can expand later. Of course, there are ways to lock down your account after the fact, but it’s hard to truly erase content that’s been copied, archived or seen by your mother.

So, will I use Buzz? I don’t know yet. If I do it will probably be for close friends only since it is linked to my email, something most of my Twitter followers, LinkedIn contacts and even Facebook friends don’t have. And I like it that way.

Should you use Buzz? Only if it gives you something new that is useful to you. Otherwise just scroll to the bottom of your Gmail screen and turn it off.

Fine. Be passive aggressive. Whatever. See if I care.

2010-02-10T13:30:00.001-06:00

The days prior to Valentine's Day have the highest incidence of passive aggressiveness of any other time of year. Okay, I don't actually have any data to support that, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's true. People have expectations about this manufactured holiday of forced romanticism, but they are too *polite* to ask. So instead they combat undesirable suggestions with "Whatever" or "I suppose" or other incredibly unattractive attempts at getting people to read their minds.

Stop.

There is a saying "Put up or shut up," but the key to overcoming passive aggressiveness is "Speak up then shut up."

Speak Up
Passive aggressiveness occurs because people don't want to be actually aggressive, and I'm not advocating replacing passive aggressive behavior with outright demands. However, it is possible to ask (or at least hint) for things in a polite manner.It starts with being honest. A classic exchange is

"What do you want for dinner?"

"I don't care."

Sometimes people may honestly not care, but more often this is passive aggressive because the respondent actually means, "I don't know," a distinction that becomes apparent when every subsequent suggestion for dinner is shot down.

Similarly, if someone asks you what you want to do for Valentine's Day don't say you don't care; instead, say

"I'd like to go out to dinner."

Or even better...

"I'd love to try [this restaurant]."

Or if that's not what you want...

"I'd love to just stay in and watch a movie."

Or whatever you may really want. You're not likely to get that weekend in Paris you've been planning in your head if you don't speak up. (Of course, try to keep your requests commensurate with your partner's financial position.)

And if your special someone doesn't ask what you'd like to do, speak up. Don't demand: "You will take me to the big expensive restaurant!" Yeesh! Bitch much? But it is appropriate to make a polite suggestion: "I don't know what you were thinking about for Valentine's Day, but I would love..." Then see above for examples to fill in that blank.

Shut Up
Once you've honestly expressed your ideas, shut up. Whether your suggestions were followed or ignored, sit back and try to enjoy the evening. Unless you are involved with a total a$$hole, that person is trying to do something nice no matter how misguided an idea may be involved. Don't roll your eyes. Don't respond "Whatever" or "It's fine." Smile. Say "Thank you." If the other person's choice of evening activity was really that bad (like a reserved table at White Castle) try to wait a day or so, and then (gently) tell them how you feel to avoid a repeat.

Oh, and if you said "I don't need anything" when asked about exchanging gifts don't pout when you don't get anything.

Full disclosure: I am a recovering passive aggressor. Passive aggressiveness still creeps into my behavior, but I'm trying. And I just want to go out to dinner for Valentine's Day. I don't need a gift. And I mean that.

The Etiquette of Smack Talk

2010-02-06T18:27:00.000-06:00

Generally it is considered rude to hurl insults at complete strangers. Sporting events, however, are a bit different. Smack talk is a tradition among fans, but that doesn't mean that you get to be a complete jerk. In anticipation of the Super Bowl, here are some smack talk guidelines that should prevent you from getting bounced, punched or arrested.

Don't fire on civilians. Even if they appear to be rooting for a specific side, if someone hasn't bought or borrowed team apparel to wear they probably aren't that invested. As a result, smack talk won't get under their skin as a fan; it will just be annoying. Unless the person engages you in some smack talk first, find another adversary.
Take a hint. Even if someone is bedecked in the opponent's colors from head-to-toe, he or she may just want to watch the game. If someone is trying to ignore your smack talk, leave them alone. You can certainly find someone else who will dish it as well as take it.
No racial, religious or other epithets. Keep the comments to a team's or player's skills (or lack thereof). Personal insults to fans, players, coaches, or even the officiating staff are tacky and hurtful even during the "big game." Show that you've still got a touch of class by stretching your imagination to come up with more creative material.
Keep it under control. No matter what someone else says or what the final score is, remember that it is only a game. Escalating to violence or destruction of property is just plain idiotic and has a good chance of getting you arrested or worse.

For potential targets of smack talk,

Realize that if you are wearing team apparel you are a target, particularly if you are entering into enemy territory. Be prepared with a sense of humor and a few prepared retorts.
When responding to smack talk, all the above rules still apply even if the other person isn't following them.

Finally, smack talk stops being acceptable once the game is over. Show you've returned to polite society by shaking your opponent's hand, saying "good game" and going home.

Conversation without hyperlinks

2010-02-02T09:48:00.000-06:00

The announcement of Oscar nominations this morning reminded me of a gathering of friends nearly 15 years ago. We were having dinner and started talking about Oscar winning movies. Maybe we had just seen a movie; I don't remember. The restaurant was one with white paper on the tables, so we used a crayon to write down the best picture winners from previous years based totally on memory. No one knew the list by heart. Some entries were agreed on only to later realize they must have been a few years before or after. Evidence came in the form of anecdotes: where someone lived at the time, with whom someone had seen the film, what year someone was in school when it came out. The conversation had many tangents. We talked about movies that should have won. We talked about what we liked and disliked about each movie. Occasionally we'd comment on who had won the directing and acting awards that year as well. In the end, we had a pretty good list and a pleasant conversation that lasted over an hour.

When I went home I checked a reference book to see how we had done. We got a few things wrong, but it didn't matter. It had been an enjoyable evening.

That wouldn't happen now. Once someone wondered aloud about Oscar winners at least one person would pull out a smart phone and look up the answer. Eye contact would be lost, and the conversation would degrade despite protestations of "No. Keep talking. I'm listening...Man, I have no bars in here. What about you?"

We all know (or should know) that it is rude to text and tweet and check email while talking to someone, but we sometimes forget that using technology as a reference also weakens our in-person connections. Does the person you're with really have to see that hilarious YouTube video now? Can we accept that we can't remember who sings that song and move on? Can't we look each other in the eyes and just talk for a while?

Good conversation is actually very much like Web content. Each topic links to another and another and another until you've gone from work to politics to TV shows to high school and more all in a single evening. Exploration of tangents is how we discover things about other people and ourselves. This occurs best when questions are allowed to linger with uncertain answers, when you have to get from point A to point B without a map.

Additionally, not looking something up allows your brain to do its job rather than outsourcing to Google. The retrieval may not be as fast as the Internet, but the data is in there. The other night my husband and I saw a band on TV. We couldn't remember the name of the lead singer. The iPhone was out of reach. It wasn't important. We let it go. Later, when I was brushing my teeth, the name came to me. The mind is pretty amazing like that if you give it a chance.

Now, I'm not saying that it's not nice to be able to look things up from anywhere. Certainly, you may not get to have a good conversation if you don't remember the address of the restaurant where you are meeting people. Go ahead. Look it up. Pull up a map, but once you get there try to fight the urge to get the instant answers. Accept unknowns at least for a little while. See what happens.

A Non-Parent's Guide to Baby Shower Gifts

2010-01-26T10:09:00.006-06:00

I just bought some gifts for some friends who are expecting a baby in February, and it made me think of how much my idea of what constitute good baby shower gifts has changed since having a baby of my own. Before having my baby I would usually buy clothes and/or toys. After all, baby clothes and toys are so cute! Baby clothes and toys are so fun to shop for! But now, I'd rather buy someone a Diaper Genie or some burp cloths. Because now I realize that the most-appreciated gifts are the practical ones...even if the parents don't know it yet.

Congratulating expecting or new parents is probably the only gift giving event when people actually need things. Now that people are getting married later the concept of wedding gifts, which used to help the newlyweds establish a household, now mostly serve to upgrade things the couple already have (or may even have two of if they weren't living together beforehand). But unless someone has a good source for hand-me-downs, most new parents are starting from scratch. If they don't receive key baby gear as gifts the parents will probably have to buy it themselves, which can add up to a lot of expenses at a time when one or both parents may be about to take unpaid leave.

Of course, "need" is relative. We all have relatives with stories of babies sleeping in dresser drawers, and $900 designer strollers do seem excessive. Still, most people won't argue there are some basic items that are really nice to have when you have a new baby.

At the risk of offending people who bought presents for my baby showers (assuming they haven't already angrily closed their browser windows before getting to this point), I will say that clothes and toys aren't bad gifts. Certainly, I received some good ones, and I really like them. But still, I must say that the gifts I received that have had the most impact were:

My Boppy Pillow. These pillows have multiple functions, but for the numerous hours of breastfeeding alone this pillow was nearly another appendage of mine during the first few months.
Burp Cloths. I was not excited when I unwrapped a package of cute and highly-absorbent burp cloths, but I quickly learned the value of always having one on the ready.
Baby-sized nail clippers. No one warns you that baby fingernails grow really fast and are incredibly sharp.
Toiletries: Bath wash, powder, diaper cream, etc. All of it got used.
Goodnight Moon. The only one on my list that isn't practical, but it requires a shout out. I received many books (which are cool gifts), but this one stands out because it became part of the bedtime ritual. It has been read almost every night for the past 8 months.

So, what should you get new or expecting parents? Well, any of the above would be a good start, but below are some more ideas. This is advice is targeted to non-parents, but if you are a parent please comment with your thoughts on gifts.(NOTE: Any brand names are used solely as examples. No one has compensated me, and I really don't care what brands you buy.)

Large Gifts

Some of the most useful items are more expensive than a lot of people usually spend on a shower gift, but if you have the means or are going in on a group gift these are some options:

Car seat. A car seat is arguably the only true "need" because hospitals won't let parents drive away with the baby without one.
Nursery furniture. Depending on the tastes of the parents furniture can be expensive or quite affordable.
Pack n Play (or similar). Many parents, like myself, use these to keep a newborn in their bedrooms for the first few months. Later this can be used as a portable crib or just a safe place to put a kid while cooking dinner or taking a shower.

Affordable Practical

In case you didn't get the hint from the burp cloths, diaper cream, and nail clippers mentioned above, good gifts come in all price points. If you want to spend a little more you can give a few small useful items including,

Crib sheets and/or Pack n Play sheets.
Receiving blankets, swaddling blankets, or sleep sacks. (A lot of people are fans of the self-swaddling blankets that close with velcro, but my son never liked being swaddled. As a result, we LOVE sleep sacks.)
Bottle drying rack.
Diaper Genie, Diaper Champ or other diaper disposal system.
Changing pad.
Diaper bag.
Spoons, bowls & plates. (These won't be used until 4-6 months but will be appreciated when the time comes.)

Gift Cards

A few years ago I was shopping for a new mom but didn't see anything I wanted to buy. I didn't have time to go to another store, so I got her a Target gift card. When I got her thank you note she said it was great because of all the diapers they were going through. I was a little offended. I didn't want her to squander my gift card on diapers; I wanted her to get something she wanted. Now, I understand. She wanted diapers. If someone gave me a gift card for a bunch of free diapers I would think that was awesome.

Clothes and Toys

You still want to buy clothes and toys, don't you? "Don't the parents need some clothes and toys?" Yes. But I guarantee they'll get them. And if not, the parents will buy them. You know how much fun you think it is buying baby clothes and toys? It's fun for the parents, too. But if you still want to buy clothes or toys, here are some thoughts:

Toys. I've already posted a non-parent's guide to toy buying, so please refer to that. Also, understand that babies don't know how to use their arms when they are born, so toys don't tend to have much appeal for the first few months.
Clothes. Babies grow quickly, yet the majority of clothing gifts are for newborn sizes. If your outfit is one of a glut of newborn clothes you'll be lucky if the parents manage to get the baby into it more than once (particularly since the clothes on the top of the drawer are the easiest to grab during a hectic diaper change). It's a nice idea to get some slightly larger sizes (3-6 months or 6-9 months), so there is something for the baby to wear later on. One person gave me several onesies in a similar style in 3 different sizes, which was clever because I thought of her whenever I pulled out the next size.

Please include gift receipts.

It may be the thought that counts, but for new and expecting parents the best thought is "I want to get them something that they will use for the baby." Whether they received a duplicate item, need a bigger size, or changed their mind about a registry choice, it's helpful to have the gift receipt. When needed having the gift receipt will be appreciated a lot more than having to hold onto a gift they don't need or want. And don't ask if someone returned your gift or look for it when you visit. Once given, gifts can be used by the recipients however they want...even if they want to trade them in for diapers.

Do Not Disturb: Courtesy in a Highly Connected World

2010-01-19T14:56:00.001-06:00

My granny always said that you shouldn't call people before 9 AM or after 9 PM unless it's an emergency. With occasional exceptions--when I know people's schedules--I still try to follow her advice. However, that rule is not enough anymore. Now we have text messages and emails and Twitter/Facebook updates all of which may create notifications on our phones. And many of us keep those phones by our beds to use as alarms or just in case there is an emergency. Any form electronic update has the potential to disturb us from sleep (or our "busy getting ready" morning time or our "just want to relax" before bed time).

So does that mean you can't use ANY form of communication before 9 AM or after 9 PM? (If you immediately think that's silly you have obviously never known an early morning texter.) Of course, if you know someone is awake--for example, you are meeting for late night plans--feel free to keep in contact by whatever means makes sense, but this post is about those times when you don't know for sure and don't want to disturb anyone.

Plan ahead.
If you know a person who regularly keeps different hours than you due to work schedules, time zones, or general lifestyle, ask how he or she would prefer to be contacted and when. Perhaps someone doesn't get email updates on her phone, so you can use that at anytime without disturbing her. Or perhaps another friend doesn't mind if you wake him up. One example I know from experience: it's considerate to ask new mothers how they'd like to be contacted because you don't want to be the one who woke up baby, mommy, or both.

But sometimes you haven't planned ahead, and you want to contact someone at an odd time. Maybe you can't sleep and want to see if someone else is awake. Maybe you just got a brilliant idea that you want to share before you forget it. Because everyone's schedules and phone settings are different it is difficult to make rules that will work for everyone every time, but here are some guidelines for using electronic communication with a courtesy that will usually prevent you from waking and/or annoying your friends, family, and other contacts.

By Phone.
A phone call is still the most disruptive form of remote contact. Phone ringtones are designed specifically to get someone's attention. Also, the recipient doesn't know the subject of a phone call unless its answered. Because of caller ID someone may know it's you calling but can't know if you are in trouble or just bored. As a result, my granny's rule about only calling between 9 in the morning and 9 in the evening still holds true. Do those times seem too conservative? You can make adjustments if you know the hours someone keeps, but be sure to allow that person adequate time for getting up and ready in the morning and winding down before bed. Someone who is always up until 11 PM still might not want to be bothered at 10:45. And if you intend to call someone at work give them at least a half an hour to get settled before calling.

Of course, emergencies are different situations, but if you aren't generally courteous with your calling times much like the "Boy who Cried Wolf" you risk annoying someone to the point that they won't pick up when you really need help.

By Text.
A text message is nice because it quickly conveys your message with little work for the recipient. Still, this is usually the second most attention-getting notification on someone's phone. A strong sleeper may be able to see a text and go back to sleep, but it's still best to limit texts to similar hours as the phone. Acceptable texting times are a bit more flexible because texts are less intrusive. A phone call can be very disruptive to someone frantically getting ready for work, but the few seconds it takes to look at a text message probably aren't as much of an issue.

By Email.
There was a time when people only accessed email from their computers which made it the ideal asynchronous communication. Late night emails might contain content you would later regret, but at least they wouldn't wake anyone up. Now many smart phones give email notifications, which makes email much like very long text messages. Although usually less disruptive than a call or text, it is still courteous to avoid sending late night emails as well. There are, however, some options if the urge to compose off-hour email strikes:

A lot of email software includes an option to delay the delivery date and time, which allows you to write your message now but not have it sent until a more reasonable hour. (Unfortunately, I don't know of an option to do this on any of the major web-based email sites. Anyone?)
You can create a manual delay by saving your message as a draft and sending it later.
Although it won't delay your message until a more reasonable time, Gmail users can enable "Mail Goggles" from the Labs to avoid sending content that may later be regretted. You must do some simple math problems before the message will be sent. (Even if you are always able to do the math, this at least give you a chance to change your mind after hitting send.)

By Twitter, Facebook, Google Wave, etc.

Some people do have their social media accounts audibly notify them on their smartphones, but this is far less common than the notifications for the above. This makes these alternative communications channels generally acceptable ways to send messages off hours. The only potential problem is that although some people check these accounts obsessively others can go long periods without logging in. As a result, your message may not be read in a timely manner, which may be okay if you were just thinking of someone and wanted to say "Hi."

By Chat.

The great thing about chat (formerly known as instant messaging) is that each user controls his or her availability. If a person shows availability to chat it is perfectly acceptable to contact them no matter what time it may be.

If you are the recipient of communications at unwelcome times...

If there is someone whose messages often come at undesirable times politely let him or her know. Chances are the person doesn't realize that you don't get up that early or stay up that late. Maybe he or she is the type of person who doesn't mind being woken up by a phone call so doesn't think about it as rude. Let the person know a better time or mode of communication at which to reach you. If they don't abide by your wishes try setting their custom notification to silent (and hope they don't call you in an emergency).

So, how do you feel about late night phone calls, text messages, or emails? How do you prefer to be contacted late at night/early in the morning? Do you care, or am I just overly selfish about sleep?

I'm Royalty!

2010-01-17T09:55:00.000-06:00

I have been named to RedEye Royalty. I'm honored to be recognized as a Chicago blogger/twitterer only three months after starting this site.

I plan to use that blog space for sillier stuff most of the time, but my first post is about how social media is bringing people together to save orphans in Haiti. Before you read that though I encourage you to go to thatschurch.com to see the most recent updates regarding the BRESMA Orphanage. If you have the means to help, please do; otherwise, share the link and the story in hopes that the word can get to someone capable of assisting those children and their caretakers.

Help.

2010-01-14T10:16:00.001-06:00

By now any sentient being should be aware that a devasting earthquake has hit Haiti. Many people are dead. Many more need help. I try not to swear on this blog, but that country's status is most simply described as fucked.

These are the days when you need to look around you and give thanks for what you have. I'm pretty confident that anyone with the opportunity to read this is far better off than pretty much anyone in Haiti right now, which means you should do three things:

Be thankful for what you have.
Hug someone you care about.
Give.

That last step is the one that many people forget. You don't have to give much if you don't have much. The phrase "every little bit counts" exists for a reason. Buy a regular coffee instead of a latte and donate the difference. Dig for change in the couch. Donate something. Donate anything. Many experts have stated that what charity organizations need most right now is money. Here is a good list of options: http://www.theworld.org/2010/01/13/donations-for-haiti-quake-victims/

But you don't even need to spend a dime. Some blogs are celebrating "delurking day" whereby the authors will donate money for each comment they receive. Go read their blogs and leave a comment. (You might even find a new site for your RSS feed!)

I'm not doing that here because this is a new blog with limited readership, so it would be embarrassing. I donated $100 to Doctors without Borders regardless of my popularity. But to keep in the spirit of things, if I get comments from more than 25 people I'll donate another $100.

And for anyone reading this from anywhere in the world, I am happy you are alive.

photo of Red Eye Chicago from http://twitter.com/designhawg

Grieving on Social Media

2010-01-13T10:05:00.000-06:00

Scott Kleinberg at Red Eye Chicago wrote a post in which he asked "Is it in poor taste to mourn in public via a social network like Facebook or Twitter?" His personal is answer, "I say not at all. We all mourn differently." I agree with that, but I also feel there are some things to think about before you post your grief online. Additionally, those seeing an online message of grieving need to think about how they respond.

Not wanting to ramble on in the comments field and needing a blog topic for this week, below you will find my tips for the grieving and their friends & followers online. Before you read on you may want to look at Scott's article for the complete background to this post and some great comments from his readers.

Social Media Considerations for the Grieving
Yes, we all mourn differently. If you are a heavy social media user it may feel natural to include news of your loss in those forums. Do what makes you comfortable, but before you update that status or send that tweet consider a few things:

Are there people who don't yet know about the death that should find out more directly? Although not quite second-hand, hearing about something via a wall post or public tweet is far from personal. Take reasonable steps to make sure that the people who should know first do. Some people should probably get a phone call, while others may just need a quick email or text message. Try not to let someone very close to you or the deceased feel like he or she was the last to know.
Consider the privacy of other survivors. It is likely that other people in your network are suffering the same loss, but they may prefer to grieve in private. Realize that posting something, for example, about a friend passing away may result in a lot of unwanted messages to the friend's spouse from mutual friends. Take care not to broadcast information that other's may prefer to keep private.
Don't grieve on LinkedIn. You wouldn't put the date of your brother's death on your resume, so don't put it on a professional networking site. Ditto for professional blogs. For example, this blog has a specific purpose: providing etiquette tips and other advice. An obituary does not belong here, although I have written about loss on a personal blog.

For Online Friends and Followers of the Bereaved

So, somewhere between Farmville updates and bit.ly links you see that someone someone is grieving. How should you react? (Note: This advice is for people who are not particularly close to the other person: the casual connection or follower. Of course, close friends should offer additional support than that described here , but that is most appropriate out of public channels.)

Do not click "Like." At first you may think you'd clearly never do that, but imagine a post similar to "Grandma is at peace now." You like being at peace, right? That's good, right? Yes, but still don't click like. It's too easily misinterpreted.
Keep it simple. My husband often says that people online are just looking for a gentle squeeze on the arm. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long way. Too much outpouring of sympathy from someone who follows your tweets or who you haven't spoken to since high school can feel awkward. And unless requested, advice can be unwelcome in early stages of grief.
But don't say, "I'm sorry to hear that." Although not what people mean, this literally says that you are sorry to have found out about the person's loss not that you are sorry the loss occurred. Banish this phrase from your writing and your speech.
Don't politicize the death. Unless the bereaved is championing a certain cause in honor of the deceased, don't use their grief post as a forum for proselytizing. For instance, when a soldier dies the family and friends don't want to hear your views on war.
Don't judge. Maybe you would never consider posting about personal loss online. Maybe you think it's tacky. Fine. Don't be tacky yourself by confronting a grieving person about their choice to post. Ignore the update. If you are really offended, unfriend or unfollow. The only exception is if you are a family member or close friend of the deceased. In that case it is appropriate to politely request that an offending post be removed, but realize that the author may not do so.

What are your thoughts about grieving online? Have you done it? What responses did you want? What responses did you get?

Enjoy Live Theater (Politely)

2010-01-05T15:23:00.004-06:00

I love live theater. You know, the thing that's like movies but isn't on a screen. (Amazing 3D effects without special glasses!) I've been participating in theater since I was a little girl studying at the San Francisco Children's Opera. Since then I've moved from actor to choreographer to director to playwright, also finding time to serve as an enthusiastic audience member.

In case you don't know, there is a lot more theater than Shakespeare and musicals. If you aren't a regular goer, I encourage you to check your local theater listings and see something new this year. Perhaps you should put it on your uberlist.

Some assume theater is a bit snooty, but I assure you that much of it is really laid back. (If you are looking for a more casual atmosphere try theaters described as "black box" or "storefront.") Of course, there still is etiquette for theater. Live theater etiquette is pretty much the same as movie theater etiquette. The difference is that the impact of rudeness at live theater is greater because you are potentially disturbing the performers as well as the audience. So in honor of a production of one of my plays opening this weekend* here are some guidelines for proper theater etiquette:

No talking. Seriously. Did you learn nothing from that Thompson Twins song/video from the 80s? Voices carry. Even a whisper. And, yes, in small theaters the actors can hear you too.
Silence your cell phone. And realize that "vibrate" is not silent. Unless you're a doctor on call, turn your phone all the way off.
No texting/tweeting/websurfing. Although these may be silent activities the little glowing screen is a distraction to other audience members as well as those on stage.
No photography/filming/recording. Definitely no flash photography, but no recording at all is better. Not only do you potentially create the distraction of the glowing screen like with texting, but unauthorized recording violates the contract rights of the actors, director, designers, and playwright.
Don't be late. Unlike the movies, live theater doesn't start with a bunch of trailers. There may be a few quick announcements, but then the play is going to start with or without you. Arrive at the theater with plenty of time. When you see the lights blink take your seat promptly to avoid missing the opening scene and causing a disturbance. Same goes after intermission.
No, really. Don't be late. Most theaters have "late seating policies" that may vary by show. Depending on the play and how it is staged you may not be seated immediately once the show begins. Sometimes the ushers have designated times at which to seat late comers. In some cases you may not be seated until intermission. If there is no intermission you may not be able to see the show at all. You might be able to watch on a monitor in the lobby or from standing room in the back of the theater, but it is much better to not be late. Come early, and read the program. You may be surprised to find that someone in the cast was an extra on Law & Order!

If you are invited to a play by someone involved with the show a few additional rules apply:

Only accept comps you intend to use. Complimentary tickets, or comps, are sometimes given to people involved in a show as a part of their compensation. (In community theater comps may be the only compensation.) These tickets are free, but each person is given a limited supply. If someone offers you a comp that is a ticket they can't give to someone else. Decline the offer if you won't go to the show.
Don't run off. Friends and family members will often know you are there, particularly at a small theater. It is polite to say hello before you leave. If you need to go relieve a babysitter or catch a bus/train, be sure to call or email the next day to apologize.
But don't barge into the dressing room. Sure, actors are known for being immodest, but being comfortable dressing in front of other company members or even undressing as a part of a show is different than wanting to dress while strangers are lingering and making small talk. Ask someone from the theater where the actors come out, and wait there unless requested to do otherwise.
Say "Good show." If you were given a comp say thank you for the ticket. After that, if you don't know what to say go with "Good show." This is the theater equivalent of saying "I'm fine" when someone asks how you are. It's a harmless white lie if you didn't enjoy the play but also a simple comment when you liked a show. Too much gushing in the lobby can make people uncomfortable and delay your friend from talking to other people (or getting to the bar). You can provide a more detailed review later.

Enjoy the show(s)!

*My Christmas play "The Pants and The Virgin" is a part of Acme Theater's New Works Winter Festival in Maynard, Mass.

Set Goals with an Uberlist

2009-12-29T16:55:00.000-06:00

It's hard to believe that 2009 is nearly over. Of course, I tend to feel that way most years around this time. Realizing the things I *meant* to do this year but never did is part of the shock of the year being over. Some things are practical (renewing my passport in my married name); others are just fun (going to the zoo, going to a restaurant I've been meaning to try).

I think I have more uncompleted items this year because I didn't make an uberlist for 2009. I didn't know how many other goals I'd have time to achieve after my unwritten to do items of

birthing a baby and
keeping him alive.

But after succeeding with both items (!) I feel confident with challenging myself with an uberlist again for 2010.

What's an uberlist? It's a list of goals for the year. The goals span multiple areas of life and range from a few hours of commitment to resolution-esque major life improvements.

The uberlist is an idea I borrowed from some friends a few years ago. I find the list better than a New Year's resolution in a number of ways. It is a documented list. Whether on paper or in a spreadsheet an uberlist is a contract with yourself as opposed to a resolution which is often only spoken and often only when asked, while drunk, at a New Year's Eve party. Putting goals into words tends to lead to more concrete items rather than resolutions which can often be very abstract (i.e. "get healthy"). Also, by having multiple goals I avoid putting all my self-improvement into one resolution basket that is likely to dissolve by mid-January. Plus, I get to enhance my life as a whole rather than pick on one perceived flaw.

So, how do you create an uberlist?
First, decide what areas in your life you want to address. Some ideas to consider are health, home/family, social/friends, career, finances, arts & entertainment, education, and the environment. I always include a category for writing, which you may switch with whatever passion you may want to pursue.

Create sections for each category either on a piece of paper or computer document/spreadsheet, and begin setting a few goals for each area of your life. The best goals are

Measurable -- You want to "eat less" and "exercise more" next year? I hope you kept good records in order to do that comparison. Instead, try to set a weight loss goal or a calories per day goal (if you intend to keep track) or a minimum number hours/days to exercise each week. If you can't measure your goal how will you know if you achieved it?
Within your control -- A lot of unemployed, underemployed, and unhappy people would probably like to "get a new job" in 2010. Great! Unfortunately, they aren't the only one with a say in that. However, setting goals for numbers of resumes and cover letters to send out or networking events to attend are achievable things that can work toward the end goal of a new job. Investing in a new interview suit would also be an appropriate thing to throw on the list.
Things you aren't likely to do anyway -- The best uberlist items are those things that you've been meaning to do for a long time. If, for example, you haven't been to the dentist for a few years that could be something to include on an uberlist. On the other hand, if you already scheduled your next 6 month teeth cleaning that's not going to be an achievement worth documenting.
Include some fun items -- Leisure is important. Whether you don't tend to find time for entertainment or are just in a rut for leisure activities your uberlist is a good place to ensure some fun in the new year. Been saying for a while that you should invite the neighbors over for dinner? Put it on the list. Been wanting to actually use that museum membership? Put it on the list. Even if there's just a movie that you've been meaning to watch; put it on the list. Of course, self and home improvement goals are good too, but be sure to balance the work with the play.
Aren't superlative -- Unless you are giving up an addiction such as smoking, it is usually best to avoid goals that involve "always" or "never" doing something. Give yourself some leeway. Word your goals in terms of doing something "at least" or "no more than" a certain number of times per day/week/month. This will give you some wiggle room before you feel like you've failed.

Keep your list somewhere so that you will check it often. For items that are completed once, mark them off as you do them. For other items ("bring my lunch to work at least 3 times per week," "go to at least 4 plays") create sublists or use a calendar to mark you progress.

Being a project manager by trade I often put target dates on a number of my goals to help space them through the year, but that's up to you. You could also include shared portions of an uberlist for family goals.

Have I convinced you of the joy of an uberlist? What will you put on yours?

Give the gift of digitalization (or the opposite)

2009-12-22T15:19:00.001-06:00

Homemade gifts are nice during the holidays, but those who don't have the talents of a budding etsy entrepreneur may feel that shopping is the only option. Heck, even if you can knit/paint/sew/craft like a fiend, it's a little late now to pursue much of that as gift options. However, if you have a computer you can use it to create gifts (and not just to buy them online). Of course, you can give the gift of links to your favorite web sites, but for something a bit more generous you can offer to digitize things someone already has. Conversely, if someone is completely digital you can transfer their assets back to a physical form.

Offering to transfer things a person owns into a digital archive gives him or her greater portability and insurance against loss. To choose an appropriate gift you do need to know something about what a person has and values, but the time involved in any of these gifts means that you'd be unlikely to give them to someone to whom you aren't close. Here are some ideas:

Scanning photos -- Digital cameras make sharing and reprinting photographs easy; however, most people still have old albums or boxes of physical photographs laying around. Basic scanning just takes a scanner and time and opens up a lot of opportunity for photo sharing and future album projects.
Ripping CDs -- Another piece of older media that people may still have are CDs. Even avid iPod users may not have taken the time to rip ALL their old music. This is another activity that really just takes time, but if you know someone who hasn't converted their old music library this is a gift that will likely be appreciated.
Copying cassettes or VHS tapes -- This will require some extra equipment, but if you have access to the appropriate peripherals you can preserve these magnetic media as well.
Scanning or typing old recipes -- There are a number of ways to digitize recipes. Most basic is scanning which may be best for recipes that may be in mom or grandma's handwriting. Recipes can also be typed into a basic word processing program. There are also options for specific recipe software (some are free) that not only capture the recipe but include features like searching for recipes that use certain ingredients or creating shopping lists. You may need to ask some questions to determine what option your cook would prefer.
Scanning or transposing old notebooks or letters -- This is fairly specific but a great gift when applicable. If you know someone with old notebooks or letters, whether they be their own or pieces of family history, scanning and/or transposing those so they can be archived and shared is an invaluable service.
Creating an inventory for a physical collection -- Be it books or DVDs or Hummels, if you know a collector you can create an inventory of those items. This will be helpful for avoiding duplicate purchases and for insurance purposes.

Although digital media has its advantages it is often nice to have physical versions of favorite virtual assets. As a result, you may want to consider one of the following gifts for an avid computer user:

Printing digital photos -- Digital photographs are easy to share, but they often end up trapped inside our computers and phones. It is nice to occasionally hold a real picture. If you have the time and motivation there are a number of sites that allow you to print high quality photobooks, but even printing out one favorite photograph and putting it in a nice frame can be a thoughtful gift.
Printing significant blog entries, tweets, or email correspondence -- A person who does a lot of writing online may appreciate a bound physical copy of that work. Similarly if someone else posts items of significance to family and friends you could copy and bind that. (Unless you are giving the writing back to its original author, you should get the author's permission before duplicating it.)
Performing a full system back-up -- Rather than convert digital assets to physical forms you can help protect them as they are by doing a full system back-up for someone who may not be vigilant with such things. (Depending on what they already have you may want to include some DVDs or an external hard drive as a part of the offer.)

With planning you can do these things ahead of time and possibly even surprise someone; however, if you are reading this now and looking for last minute Christmas gift ideas you should probably just promise to do this work in the future. If so, there are 3 rules for giving future services as gifts:

1. Make the gift tangible. When someone says "as your gift I promise to do X" the receiver may question the seriousness of the offer, or they may forget about the gift by the time it would be appropriate to call on it. Make sure to give something physical. Print out a certificate on the computer. Write an IOU in a Christmas Card. For long distance last minute gifts you can send an email, but encourage the person to print it out. The recipient should have something to put on their refrigerator or bulletin board as a reminder of your impending generosity.

2. Be clear about your intentions. Quantify the time of your intended services or their extent. Know someone with thousands of photographs? Perhaps offer to scan their favorite 50 or 100. Make your gift generous but make sure it won't be misinterpreted as never ending servitude.

3. Fulfill your promise. Hopefully your recipient will realize that you have other obligations and will understand if you aren't available the first time they try to cash in on their gift. However, when you give this sort of gift you need to do so with the intention of actually doing what you promise even if that means rescheduling something. If you aren't willing to make an effort to do what you promised you didn't give the person a gift. Sure, it may be the "thought that counts" but the thought your recipient is thinking is that you promised to do something. If you can't make that commitment it is better not to give anything.

10 Favorite Websites

2009-12-14T13:47:00.003-06:00

I had no idea what to get you for Christmas, so stealing an idea from Roger Ebert, I’m giving you the gift of websites I love that you may have never heard of. Since I’m in a stealing mood, I’ll steal a line from Oprah that she stole from Julie Andrews: These are a few of my favorite things! (And although etiquette says that a gift requires nothing more than a thank you in return, I'd love if you want to recommend other websites in the comments.)

Staggering Works of genius

1. Roger Ebert http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/

Due to his battle with cancer Roger Ebert can no longer speak or eat, but thankfully he can still write. I grew up watching his movie reviews, which he continues to do online, but his journal is where the best stuff is posted: profound and witty commentaries on a wide variety of subjects. He’s also a must follow on Twitter @ebertchicago.

2. Bruce Schneier http://www.schneier.com/blog/

You may have never heard of Bruce Schneier, but he is my idol. He is a security pundit with a talent for cutting through the noise of fear to sort the hype from the reality of physical and cyber security issues. Plus, most of his writing is accessible to non-professionals. If you want to know the difference between what actually mitigates risk and what is just “security theatre” read this blog. As a delightful non sequitur, he posts about squid every Friday.

Valuable Resources

3. EveryBlock http://www.everyblock.com/

I learned about this site at WIRED’s NextFest last year. EveryBlock consolidates everything from police blotters to restaurant reviews to real estate prices based on proximity to a given address or zip code. It’s great for keeping up with news in your neighborhood or evaluating a possible move.

4. GroupOn http://www.groupon.com/

Everyday GroupOn posts an amazing deal for an ever increasing number of cities. If enough people sign up “the deal is on.” If not, the deal is cancelled. Sure, you probably won’t be interested in every deal, but it’s worth watching for one that appeals to you.

Diversions

5.Cake Wrecks http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Cake Wrecks is a bit of a phenomenon, so you may already be familiar. However, I still run across people who don’t know about the site, and that is just WRONG. The combination of horrendously decorated cakes and quality humor-writing makes Cake Wrecks the highlight of my RSS feed. And lest you be confused, understand that the Sunday posts are dedicated to exquisitely decorated cakes, the opposite of wrecks.

6. Smitten Kitchen http://smittenkitchen.com/

I actually cook, but I have a strong preference for cookbooks with beautiful pictures at which I can stare longingly, a.k.a. Food Porn. Smitten Kitchen is the best of this genre that I’ve found on the web. Her delicious recipes and practical advice are always paired with gorgeous photographs that make Smitten Kitchen a pleasurable read for anyone that eats. (Sorry, Roger Ebert!)

7. Radio Lab http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/
I should probably do a separate list of podcasts, and maybe I will. In the meantime, I will present you with my absolute favorite: Radio Lab. This is a brilliantly produced and entertaining show that never fails to present me with new fascinations. Thought provoking is an understatement. Let’s call it “thought inciting.”

Hometown Heroes

I have lived in 3 cities in the last 5 years, and I follow blogs from each of them. Below are three sites that for me capture the spirit of each place.

8. Pittsburgh: That’s Church http://thatschurch.com/

Apparently there was an anonymous blogger called PittGirl who became a sensation after I left Pittsburgh. I completely missed out on that phenomenon but have discovered the former PittGirl now that she is back with a real name and a new blog. That’s Church probably won’t appeal to anyone without ties to Pittsburgh, but Ginny’s snarky observations are perfect for ‘burgh ex-pats who want to feel that they’re still in the loop (er...The Golden Triangle). Steelers fans should at minimum check out her “What They’re Really Thinking” posts the day after each game. Particularly in a season like this one it’s good to be able to laugh. Plus, she raised over $13,000 to give sick girls a game room. And she hates pigeons.

9. DC: Wonkette http://www.wonkette.com/

Wonkette describes itself as “The DC Gossip,” but it is far more than that. This biting mix of gossip and satire targets politicians, which makes much of its content of national interest. Plus, much like watching The Daily Show, you can’t help but learn a bit about current events while you are being entertained.

10. Chicago: Chicago Elevated http://www.chicagoelevated.com/

Because I currently live in Chicago I follow a lot of local websites, particularly to keep up with local news and events. Chicago Elevated, however, is I realy solely for pleasure. This site is a love letter to Chicago mostly by way of its bones: architecture. The recurring Wednesday feature “A Million Times” gives the history of a building that you may have passed a million times without thinking about. Not all the posts are architecture oriented, but they all celebrate the city that I currently call home.

+. Hmm...I realize I chose snarky sites for Pittsburgh and DC but not Chicago. That seems rude. I’m sure the Etiquette Bitch would not approve.

Give Gifts not Garbage

2009-12-09T08:17:00.001-06:00

Regarding gifts, some say it’s the thought that counts, but they usually don’t say that unless they’re referencing a terrible gift. Regardless, whether it’s the thought or the gift that matters few would say it’s the wrapping that’s most important. Sure you might comment on the lovely wrapping when you first see a gift , but will you be talking months from now about the beautiful wrapping paper? No. You’re going to be talking about how great the gift was or how it was a very nice thought. So why spend the extra money and add more trash to the planet to wrap things up in shiny paper and decadent gift bags?

Below are four ways to avoid conventional wrapping paper. All promote recycling. Many will save you money. None require arts and craft skills. (Sure you could use paint or stamps to make things fancier, but you don’t need to unless you are especially motivated.)

1. Detour something on its way to the recycle bin

Newspaper: This is the classic wrapping paper alternative. A page with a large festive picture can provide some holiday color, but I like the simplicity of small black and white type.

Magazine pages: Magazine pages can give you the glossy look that many miss when they abandon traditional wrapping paper. The pages work individually for small gifts, or you can tape multiple pages to a large box. To avoid a chaotic look choose pages from the same photo spread, or find a single holiday ad repeated in multiple magazines.

Inside-out boxes: Andy Warhol fans may appreciate a repurposed box as a pop masterpiece, but most of use would feel odd putting what appears to be a grocery box under the tree. Similarly, we don’t want to be perceived as lazy by giving something in an unwrapped shipping box. However, if you cut down one seam you can deconstruct a box and rebuild it inside out. The inside of the most boxes is a simple brown or white, which creates a simple and elegant gift container.

Store shopping bags: Particularly around this season many stores help by making switching out their normal bags for more festive patterns, but many stores have attractive bags even if they don’t follow the holiday theme. If you don’t want to give a hint to a gift’s contents you can use a bag from a different store. Trader Joe’s bags are a classic. Of course, be careful what bag you repurpose. Don't tease your wife by using last year’s Tiffany’s bag for ANYTHING other than something from Tiffany’s. Trust me.

Other translucent containers: A friend told me she’s been collecting her baby formula canisters to use for packaging holiday cookies. Once she peels off the label they are plain silver. You may not buy a lot of baby formula, but perhaps there is something else that you empty and throw away that could work? Just be sure you can clean out whatever was in it, and don’t use things that previously contained poisons (like cleaning agents) particularly for children’s gifts.

If the above look too recycled for you on their own you can dress them up with raffia, pine twigs, or ribbon (reused if possible).

2. Make the wrapping part of the gift.

Rather than using a wrap that will just be thrown away, you can wrap one gift inside another and bind the package with ribbon. Examples of gifts that can double as wrapping:

Reusable lunch/shopping bags
Dish towels (good for a kitchen related gift)
Scarfs
Tshirts (requires some folding skills)
Pashminas

3. Buy reusable wrapping

It will require some money up front, but if you insist on beautiful gift wrap you can purchase fabric gift bags and decorative boxes to reuse. Use these to wrap gifts then store them with your decorations for next year. Although it will be too late for this year, gift bags and boxes can usually be picked up at a discount during after-Christmas sales.

4. Don't wrap your gifts

The easiest way to avoid the waste of gift wrap is not to wrap at all. Of course, part of the purpose of wrapping gifts is to make the present a surprise and to provide some suspense to the gift exchange process. Agree with your friends or family to have a yBwW gift exchange (Why Bother with Wrapping). Bring your gifts in whatever will hide them: a pillowcase, a backpack, a piece of luggage, a boot. Everyone agrees not to bother with pretty, so there's no expectation of nice wrapping. It can actually be fun to try to find your present amidst a hodge-podge of items, and there's no waste.

Happy giving.

Hosting and Dietary Restrictions

2009-12-01T11:43:00.000-06:00

Whether for healthy, religious, ethical, political or allergy reasons, it seems like there are limitless possibilities for what people won't eat. But as a host you can serve whatever you want, right? Well, sort of. It's your party and you can fry what you want to, but a good host also tries to make her guests feel welcome. Here are some tips for being a considerate host without having to act as short order cook.

Vegetarians
As a host you need to accept that vegetarianism (not eating meat) is pretty common nowadays, as a result you should always include meatless items in your menu. The only exception a small sit down dinner party where you know all the guests are omnivores. However, when serving a crowd you should plan on there being at least one vegetarian. Luckily, this is one of the easiest restrictions to accommodate.

First, make vegetables vegetarian. We omnivores sometimes use bacon like a seasoning, which can result in many dishes that feature vegetables but aren't vegetarian. Indulge your pork addiction in close company, but when serving a crowd leave the meat out of anything that features vegetables. Don't forget to replace any chicken or beef broth used in the preparation.

Portion your vegetarian dishes with the expectation that not only vegetarians will eat them. Remember that your other guests are likely omnivores, not strict carnivores, which means they'll eat some of the vegi stuff too. My graduate school included a lot of vegetarians, so at events there would always be a vegetarian option (usually hummus). Unfortunately, because the hummus didn't need to be heated it would come out first and hungry students of all dietary ilks would descend on it. As a result, late-comer vegetarians were usually left with nothing even while piles of chicken wings and roast beef sandwiches remained. If you have delicious vegetarian options your other guests will eat them, so be sure to have extra. The good news is that most vegetarian options will be cheaper than your meat options.

Assess the vegetarian options as a menu. You think you can buy a vegi tray and be done with it? Maybe, if you're only serving snacks to everyone else. I've often heard vegetarians complain that they feel like they are eating the garnish. Offer your vegetarians a variety of substantive items. You don't need to go one for one with meat dishes and vegetarian dishes, but if everyone else is getting a meal the vegetarians should get more than baby carrots.

What if you have no idea about vegetarian dishes? If you know a vegetarian on your guest list, ask for suggestions or for them to bring something. They'll likely appreciate that you are thinking of their needs and be happy to help. Otherwise look for recipes online. Or check stores. Middle Eastern delis often have a variety of delicious options.

Other Dietary Restrictions
In addition to the basic vegetarian meatless diet there are a multitude of other potential food restrictions. Some people will only eat fish. Some are vegan (no meat OR dairy). And then we get into the worlds of gluten-free, lactose intolerance, kosher, halal, low carb, low fat, low sodium, food allergies and so many other dietary variants. As a host you are not expected to compensate for these unless you know that one or more guests eat a particular diet. Many times you will have fore knowledge of a friend's diet. Sometimes you may not know prior to the invitation in which case it is the guest's responsibility to mention it before the event. In either case there are 3 main ways to handle the situation.

1. Accommodate the guest's diet. Sometimes this is easy. For example, if someone is allergic to shellfish but you weren't going to serve any there isn't a problem at all. For other situations a small tweak to the menu will solve the problem. Occasionally the dietary restriction will require significant adjustments to your menu, but you may be willing to make the effort in order to not exclude someone.

2. Ask the guest to bring something. Say that although you won't be serving anything (or very little) that they'll be able to eat, you still hope they'll be able to attend. Unless it is a very large party you should suggest that that they bring something to share rather than just something for themselves. Particularly if people are sitting down to a meal having a shared dish will help keep the restricted guest included in the community of the meal even if others are only taking polite spoonfuls of the special dish.

3. Apologize for not being able to accommodate them. If it makes sense you can invite them to come later for dessert or drinks. Otherwise suggest that you get together at another time. It's okay to not want to change your plans particularly if for only one person (particularly if it is someone you don't know well). If you were throwing a party on a boat you probably wouldn't cancel just because one person is afraid of water. It's your party. Although it is nice to be inclusive there are limits. Most people with particularly complex dietary restrictions understand that.

Label Your Food
Even when you aren't knowingly dealing with dietary restrictions guests appreciate knowing what they are eating. If everyone is sitting down to dinner together you can explain each dish at the table, but if people will be grazing it is helpful to label anything that is not obvious. Write neatly or use a computer to print small cards to set near the food. Fold the cards so they stand up or use wire photo holders for a fancier presentation.

The Omnivore as Guest
So does it work the other way too? Can an omnivore demand meat and fried potatoes? Sorry, but no. If the menu is within the set of things you can eat it is rude to make demands of the host. If you won't be satisfied with the meal you'll get at the house of a vegan raw foodist sneak out for steak later or decline the invitation.

Topics to Avoid on Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T20:57:00.002-06:00

For topics to avoid in your Thanksgiving conversations see my guest post for the Etiquette Bitch at Chicago Now.

Thanksgiving Dinner is Just Dinner

2009-11-24T10:55:00.002-06:00

For all the fuss I make about Christmas, Thanksgiving may actually bemy favorite holiday. A day of eating, d drinking and lounging? What's not to like? Still, the first time I was planning to host a crowd forThanksgiving I was nervous. I called my mom and asked for advice. Shetold me something that has helped me every year since, "Thanksgivingisn't hard." And it isn't.

Multitudes of sitcoms and movies havereinforced a myth that Thanksgiving dinner inevitably is a disaster. Pair that with hosts who may rarely entertain (or even cook)on other days of the year plus the pressure of potentially judgmentalrelatives, and it's easy to see how people could get freaked out.

If you are feeling the pressure of hosting Thanksgiving take a deepbreath and say it with me, "It's just a dinner." Actually, roasting aturkey, like most cooking that occurs over several hours, is prettyforgiving. If you relax you and follow the recipes you should befine, but here are some tips to reduce your stress and increase your chances of a successful Thanksgiving meal:
Plan for a cocktail hour (or at least a snack time). Hungry,impatient guests will only make you anxious. Put out some food thatyour guests can pick at. Choose things that won't add to your stress.Cheese and crackers or bowls of nuts are fine. Serve some wine. Ifeveryone is relaxed and being fed a little you won't feel as rushed toget the meal to the table.

Simplify the food. Traditional Thanksgiving meals are made up of basic homey foods. There is no need to attempt the gourmet recipe you saw onthe cover of a food magazine.

Don't do anything you don't want to do. I personally don't like gravy, and I don't like making it since it generally needs to bedone at the last minute (see below). After a few holidays I noticedthat my friends don't use a lot of gravy either, so Istopped making it. I buy a jar of gravy. I warm it and add some extra seasoning.It's fine, and I save my homemade efforts for stuff I enjoy. Maybe youlove gravy. Fine. The point is that only making things you love will be morerewarding and therefore less stressful.

Ask for help. Whether you ask people to bring something or just askthem to mash some potatoes most guests are happy to help. Of course, if people in your kitchenadd to your stress make sure they have something to keep their attention in the other room. If cocktailsand snacks aren't enough to keep them away, enlist someone to lead aparty game. Be sure to have cards or a simple group game likeApples-to-Apples ready to go just in case.

Avoid things that have to be prepared at the last minute. As Isuggested in my previous post, front loading your schedule is a goodway to make your day less stressful AND give you a chance to actuallyspend time with your guests. It's not to late to tweak your menu a bitto make this possible. And lest you think that simple, make-ahead itemsare boring, below is a recipe one of my Thanksgiving crowdpleasers: Brandied Cranberries.

But if you are still nervous about preparing the meal keep your senseof humor and some delivery menus nearby. Or just go out. Thanksgivingshould be about giving thanks for what you have, if skill as a hostessis not one of those things that's okay.

Brandied Cranberries (from my mom)
Pick over 4 cups (approximately 1 lb) of fresh or frozen cranberries pulling out any bad ones.Line a large baking pan with foil and arrange berries on it in a singlelayer. Sprinkle 2 generous cups of sugar over berries. (It will looklike too much, but it won't be.) Cover with another piece of foil andseal the edges. Bake in 350 degree oven for one hour. Cool. Mix with aquarter cup of brandy or cognac and sprinkle with sugar to taste. Youcan store the cranberries in the refrigerator for several days.

Planning to Enjoy Your Own Party

2009-11-17T15:42:00.007-06:00

I've thrown an annual Christmas Party every year since 1993. It was fashioned after the party my mother had thrown for years before that. Over the years it evolved. For the long time I lived in Pittsburgh the attendance grew each year as more and more friends considered it a part of their holiday traditions. As I've moved to new cities the tradition continues although the attendance is smaller.

But here's a secret. There were a few years when I didn't want to throw the party. I dreaded it. I only continued because I felt pressured by all those who looked forward to my party year after year. By the people who would ask as me for the date as early as October to avoid any December scheduling conflicts. By the people who had "already bought a new dress for the Christmas party!"

Why didn't I enjoy a party that was clearly successful? That so many people looked forward to? Because it had become too much work. At its peak I would have 40 or more guests. I made everything from scratch. Everything. I wouldn't even buy a prepared vegi tray! I'd start the day after Thanksgiving (sometimes sooner) preparing several dozen types of cookies and a full array of heavy hors d'ouevres. The work would build until the party itself during which I was constantly refreshing trays, heating small batchs of hot foods, and refreshing the mulled wine. I barely had time to greet my guests much less talk to them. I wasn't hosting the parties; I was catering them! Something had to change.

Instead of quitting, I scaled back the party. I didn't make absolutely everything. I made some simpler items such as more bar cookies than decorative ones. I bought some prepared items like hummus and marinated cheese balls. Do you know what? People still enjoyed themselves! And what's more, I enjoyed myself!

Now, you may not throw parties of that magnitude, but hosting on any scale can be stressful. If you've ever been overwhelmed by the prospect of hosting an event, whether it be a small dinner or a large party, these tips will help make hosting fun again for the holidays and year round.

First, pare down your plans. Despite the holiday theme of my annual party, I haven't had a Christmas tree for 6 years.** Why? Sure, I love the look of a tree, particularly with the many beautiful ornaments that I've collected over the years. However, getting a tree and decorating it had become a dreaded task rather than a lovely tradition. Although I still fill my home with festive decorations, skipping the tree saves me hours of time that I can spend on cooking, which is my preferred activity. Perhaps you feel the opposite. Then, cut back on cooking (e.g. get a caterer, ask people to bring something), so you can spend more time trimming the perfect tree. Changing the type of party can help you pare down as well. A dessert only party will be easier than a dinner party. A tree-trimming party means you only have to bring the decorations out of the basement, but you don't have to do the actual decorating.

Don't be afraid to simplify. Unless you are a chef, a caterer, or Martha Stewart and you have a professional reputation to uphold no one is going to judge you for ordering food or using something premade from the grocery store. Gatherings should be about the gathering of people. If you want to do something elaborate that's fine, but only do what's fun for you. When the party starts being a chore it's time to quell some of that gourmet pride.

Front load your schedule. Once you've come up with with a manageable party idea, you can continue to make hosting easier with some strategic planning. Take a piece of paper and fold it to create four quadrants. (You could do something on the computer as well, but this is one case when I prefer having something tangible to put on the refrigerator and mark off items.) Label the quadrants ">1 week," "1 week," "2-3 days," and "day of." Then list your "to do" items in each of the appropriate quadrants based on the earliest you can do each item. Your challenge is to make the lists for the day of the event and 2-3 days before the event as small as possible. (For smaller parties you may not need the greater than one week category, but getting thing done earlier in the week will still help.)

How do you achieve a front loaded schedule?
1. Use your freezer. I've collected a number of hors d'ouevre recipes that freeze well. Many cookies freeze well, too, or at least you can freeze the dough. Plan your menu strategically to maximize items that can be made early. Theoretically, you could start cooking months ahead of time.

2. As you get closer look for recipes that can store in the refrigerator or cupboard for a week or more.

3. Select menu items that won't require you to do a lot of cooking once your guests arrive. For a cocktail party avoid selecting hors d'ouevres items that need to be served hot unless you have access to a chafing dish or other mechanism for keeping them warm without having to constantly heat batches during the party. For a dinner party try to choose a roast or baked pasta as your entree, so you don't have to spend all your time in the kitchen.

4. Look critically at your items for 2-3 days ahead and the day of. Find ways to eliminate them, move them back, or at least minimize them. For example, if you have shopping on those lists try to get everything but perishable items early. You may still need to go to the store for fresh items, but your list will be much smaller, which will make shopping quicker.

5. Decorate as you go. Whether it's a holiday party or another theme, don't leave decorating until the last minute. Decorating a little each day is a nice but productive break from other prep, and you are less likely to be shoving decorations boxes into the closet as your guests arrive.

6. Pull out serving dishes early. Plan what food will go into which dish and decide where that dish will go. I basically set the tables the day before. I put a piece of paper on each space to indicate what is going where. Whether you made it, bought it, or faked it, you want to make sure that you have somewhere to put everything. Trying to figure that out as you are putting out food before the start of the party can lead to last minute chaos.

7. Ask for help. You don't get a medal of honor for going it alone. Ask that great baker if she'd supply some dessert. Ask someone to come over early and help set up, which should be easy if you did item 6! Ask someone to pick up your catering order or at least that bag of ice.

8. Stick to the plan. One of the things I inherited from my mother is an incredible fear of running out of food at a party. As a result, I would cook a lot of extra things at the last minute despite having food stored in every inch of my freezer, refrigerator, and cupboards. What did this get me? Leftovers 'til February. Now, I still worry, but instead of a last minute cooking frenzy I pick up a couple boxes of frozen hors d'ouevres to have just in case. That lets me relax without creating extra work for myself. And I've never had to use those extra store bought items for the party.

Doing this has let me reclaim my party. I'm a hostess again instead of a caterer. I can enjoy my own party! I hope you can do the same.

**I am considering doing a tree again this year to give my son the full Christmas experience. On the other hand, he's only going to be 9 months old, so he won't really notice its absence, right? Plus, he's pulling up on everything now, which could be a problem. Oh, and many of my ornaments are probably choking hazards... I guess we'll see about this tree thing yet again!

Evite for Guests: Reply!

2009-11-10T12:29:00.000-06:00

So you've received a message from evite. This, like any invitation, is the start of a social contract. It's someone extending a hand to shake yours or raising a palm to give you a high five. And like a high five offered it is rude to keep your host hanging. Out of respect for your host you should reply. Even if an evite doesn't specify a requirement to RSVP or convey "regrets only" it is courteous to reply, particularly since it only takes a few seconds. Whether you plan to attend or not or aren't sure, your host will appreciate you acknowledging the invitation.

Reply immediately! You are in the invitation already, so it doesn't take much time to make the appropriate clicks to enter a reply. You don't know whether you are going or not? There's a word for that: "Maybe." Are you afraid you won't remember to go back in and change your response once you determine whether or not you are going? Don't worry about it. Most hosts count on about half the maybes to attend. If there needs to be an exact guest count for the event, the host will follow up with you.

You don't want to reply until you think of a witty comment? Really? Unless you have an immediate inspiration, save your wit for Facebook, Twitter, or the party itself. An evite is not a writing competition. The reply is what is important. Oh, and you don't need to include an excuse for a "No" or "Maybe" response.

There is a common misconception that you need to sign upfor an evite account and log in to view/reply to an invitation. Not true! Clicking the link to the message will get you to theinvitation. And yes, the host can see when you've viewed it. Don't let that be a deterent from opening it; instead see that as all the more reason to reply immediately.

Perhaps you are fundamentally against evite. I know I fought it for a while. That doesn't mean you should disrespect your host by ignoring the invitation. Hopefully your host read my previous post and included the key details in the message, so you know what the event is even if you don't want to click the link. Or perhaps you're willing to open the invitation, but you don't want to reply in a public forum. Contact the host via email or other means. Apologize for not using evite, ask for any additional event details, and communicate whether or not you plan to attend.

Unless the host disables or limits the options, evite makes it easy for guests to invite others. Please do this responsibly. Look in the invitation text for indications that additional guests may or may not be welcome. Generally, a casual gathering is more likely to have an open invitation than a formal one. If additional guests are welcome, you typically should not add more than one additional guest per person. That is, if you were invited alone you may add one guest; if you were invited as a couple you may add two guests. This, however, varies greatly by the type of event and the preferences of the host. For example, a host throwing a large fundraising event may truly want you to invite as many people as possible. If you are not absolutely sure, always ask the host. When doing so, you should describe who you intend to invite (e.g. "my cousins from out of town" or "my neighbor, Cheryl, who you met at my birthday party).

There are two ways to add people to an evite. Use the "Total Guests" space in the reply box to add guests who will be attending with you. If you aren't sure if someone will join you, indicate that in the comments. To add guests to the guest list so that they can reply on their own, use the "Invite More" option above the guest list. Be sure to override the default email message with a description of the event, the name of the host, and your name.

If you were added to an evite by one of the original guests you typically should not further extend the invitation. An exception would be the previous example of a fundraiser for which the host is trying to get as many attendees as possible.

You can also use the "Invite More" option to forward the evite to another of your email accounts. This is useful if the evite was sent to a work address and you'd prefer to manage the invitation through your personal account.

Use the functions in the invitation to invite people; Do not forward the email you received from evite! The link in the email you received is tied to your email. When your invited guests click on the link they will be replying as you. If you receive an invitation in this manner, use the "Invite More" option to invite yourself and reply when you receive the new link.

Lastly, update your reply if your plans change. Typically an evite will send a reminder to those who replied "yes," "maybe," or not at all. This is a good opportunity to update your response if necessary. If your plans change the day of you can still update your reply, but you should also contact your host directly.

Bonus tip: Use evite to be a better guest. Some people dislike the lack of privacy when evites use a public guest list; however, you can use this to your advantage. Study the list of probable attendees to review names of people you've met or to to become familiar with the names of new people you may meet. Of course, this isn't helpful if the invitation only shows an email alias like "awesomeguy1," but it will still give you a head start.

Evite for Hosts

2009-11-03T12:39:00.017-06:00

The holiday season is fast approaching which means many party and dinner invitations are about to be exchanged. Traditional etiquette favors paper invitations, but electronic versions are common replacements. I don't mind the move to invitations via evite and facebook. After all, the money saved on paper, printing, and postage can be applied to the event itself. Plus, it's more environmentally friendly. However, the reputation of electronic invitations has been marred by the bad behavior of both hosts and guests. This is the first in a series of posts to help elevate the practice of exchanging electronic invitations this season. I start with guidance to those who want to send invitations via evite.

Your invitation, regardless of its medium, is the first impression for your party. Its style should be true to the upcoming event. Subtle colors, classic fonts, and simple images will convey a fancier event (e.g. a nice dinner party); whereas bright colors and wacky clip art are good for something more casual (e.g. a football gathering or crazy Christmas sweater party). Imagine printing out your invitation and displaying it prominently at your event. Would the style of the evite be consistent with the decor and desired tone?

Include as much detail as possible. In addition to the simple where and when, guests appreciate knowing what's in store for them. Will there be food, and if so, is it just snacks/desserts or a whole meal? What's appropriate to wear? Should they bring anything? Should they NOT bring anything (i.e. "No gifts please.")? Do they need to reply by a certain date? Also be sure to include a phone number that you'll have access to during the party in case people need to call for directions or to say they'll be late.

There are some useful elements if you click on "invitation options" on the first evite design screen. You can include a list of items for people to bring that guests can select when they respond. You can also change the guest reminder (from the default of 2 days before).

Another useful feature is the option to include an end time. Although not necessary for a dinner or other event where people are expected to arrive at a particular time, an end time helps for an "open house" type party where people will be arriving at various times. Take it from someone who has had a guest arrive half an hour after everyone else had left; guidance is helpful to avoid awkward situations for you and your guests. 'Tis the season for party hopping, so it's good for guests to be aware of your anticipated peak party time. You can always go later if everyone is having a good time.

If you aren't comfortable with setting a specific end time, you can still provide some clues in your description. In my household, I'm generally early to bed, but my husband is a night owl. Our invitations often include the note, "The party may move to a nearby bar after midnight. Call if you're joining us late." This lets people know that there will probably be something going on for a while but not to drop by the house without checking in first.

Make a thoughtful guest list. Because including guests on an evite is cheap and easy many people include their entire address book even though many of those people are clearly not going to attend**. Only include people to whom you would conceivably send a paper invitation. This will likely vary by type of event. Weddings are once in a lifetime (at least theoretically) and can draw guests from far away, but smaller events generally only have a local draw. You may want to invite your friend who lives in Hawaii (assuming you don't) to every event cheapens the rest of your guest list. Of course, if you think an out of town guest may be making a trip around the time of your party you can include them, but also contact her personally to let her know you are inviting them in case she makes the trip.

At the top of the "Add Guests" screen is a link to "Guest List Options," which includes some important settings. First is the option to hide the guest list. Many people who don't like evite cite the lack of privacy, so hiding the guest list will make these people more comfortable. On the other hand, evite fans like seeing who is and is not coming and get annoyed when the guest list is hidden. Ultimately, it's your choice.

The most important guest options are allowing people to invite others and allowing people to bring others. The former refers to the ability to send the invitation to another person whose name will then be added to the guest list. The latter refers to the ability to add +1 or more to the original guest's reply. You can also set a maximum number of guests for the event. The evite default is to allow guests to invite or bring an unlimited number of guests. I'll be addressing appropriate use of these in my guest guidance, but you can prevent problems by setting your desired limits ahead of time. Again, it helps to include some text in the description to make sure that people know the difference between "Bring your friends" and "Please ask before inviting others."

One of the most important steps in creating a thoughtful evite is overriding the default text in the message sent to guests. Many guests say their biggest peeve about evite is receiving an email that only includes a link and doesn't tell them anything substantial about the invitation. Take the time to write a message that includes key pieces of information, especially the date and time. Also, if you want people to respond by a certain date that information should be repeated here. Close your message with your full name to make it clear who sent this.

Finally, if you need to follow up on guest responses don't mention that "You haven't even looked at the evite!" or "I know you looked at my evite on xxxxx." Although evite shows you this information it's not polite to use it against your guest even if they try to use an excuse that is clearly a lie.

**I have one exception to the rule about inviting out of town guests to a party. I have thrown a cocktail party every December since 1993. It became such a tradition among my Pittsburgh friends that when I moved away a few years ago a friend started having her own Christmas party in my honor. It is always flattering to receive that invitation. ;-)

A Non-Parent's Guide to Toy-Buying

2009-10-27T11:30:00.001-05:00

Holiday sales have already begun, so I'm aware that some people (not me) may be starting their gift shopping soon. It may seem tacky to promote gift-buying guidance as a form of etiquette, but I think we've all gotten a gift at one time or another that inspired a truly sincere "You SHOULDN'T have." In this economy, I feel it's polite to help people not to waste their time and money on things that are likely to inspire more frustration than appreciation.

As a new mother, I am particularly sensitive to this because I realize that my son may be magnet for some well-intentioned but not well thought out presents. Before I was a parent I saw other people's kids as an excuse to buy "fun" kid's stuff. I now see that some of those purchases were a bit misguided (Sorry), but I hope not to have to regret anyone else's generosity. Luckily my son is so young this year that if anyone gives me something misguided it can be fixed with a return, but parents of older kid's may have trouble getting an inappropriate toy away from an admiring youngster. So, for anyone who may not have kids (or whose kids are so old that you've forgotten the fundamentals), here is a guide to picking out toys that will inspire the parents to write thank you letters instead of death threats.

1. Toys have recommended age ranges. You may think something is just sooooooo cute and clever, but check the tag. If the child is younger than the recommended age range the toy is likely too complicated or DANGEROUS. Don't make a parents choose between politeness and their child's safety.

2. Avoid toys that make lots of noise, whether it be from recorded sounds or encouraged banging (i.e. a drum set). Different parents have different opinions of these things, but unless you are sure of their feelings err on the side of something quiet. I personally am okay with banging (which is good because my son does it a lot), but I have low tolerance for the tinny recorded music/voices/nature sounds that seem to be embedded in just about everything nowadays. They say in gift giving "it's the thought that counts," but you really don't want your name connected with the thoughts that hearing a millionth metallic rendition of "Old MacDonald" can inspire.

3. Avoid toys with a lot of pieces. If you followed item one this isn't an issue for a few years since a billion little pieces are a billion little choking hazards. However, once age appropriate things like Legos are very good toys, but that doesn't mean you have to be the one to buy them. Similar to avoiding the blame for the maddening cacophony of noisy toys, you don't want to have your name attached to the end of the expletive that the mom will scream every time she steps barefooted on a jagged piece of plastic that didn't get put away.

4. Ask the parents for ideas, or if you have an idea ask if it seems appropriate. The parents know what they'll be comfortable having their child received. It will spoil the surprise, but some surprises are best spoiled.

Does that all seem too complicated? Why don't you give a nice book? Or, if you really want something the parents can appreciate, free babysitting is always nice. Plus you'll get to see first hand what toys are just asking to be "accidentally" lost forever.

Welcome!

2009-10-24T13:48:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Post Emily Post, a blog of "do unto others" etiquette for modern social situations. This is a new experiment, but the plan for the time being is to do one post per week, probably publishing on Tuesdays. That's not enough for you? Follow me on Twitter where I plan to post a tip a day!

http://twitter.com/newetiquette

Chivalry, Ladies, Is Not Rude

2009-10-21T12:39:00.004-05:00

Yes, we are women hear us roar. Yes, sisters are doing it for themselves. Yes, our mystique is feminine. But hey, ladies, get funky. And by that I clearly mean, please don’t be offended by chivalrous acts.

A man who opens a door for you or pulls out your chair or offers to carry your grocery is rarely doing it because he thinks you are incapable. He’s probably being nice, or at minimum he’s doing it because chivalry has been ingrained in him by his mother, which is pretty sweet if you think about it. If you are looking for men to view as misogynist swine, chivalrous gentlemen should be the last on your list. That guy who lets the door slam on your face is the one who doesn’t view you as a human being worthy of his time.

If you take offense at an innocent act of chivalry and reprimand the guy for performing it, you not only risk embarrassing him and making him feel bad but you piss off me and other women who appreciate such gestures and who may not get to enjoy them because you have now convinced this guy that it’s not worth it because women just get mad. Seriously, if a guy is willing to open my door, move my sofa, or pay for my meal, I think it’s wonderful. Don’t f*ck that up for me! Say “thank you” and get on with your day of ball-crushing dominance.

(Full disclosure: I happen to be married to a rather chivalrous gentleman.)

Don't Enable Voyeurs (Or Be One)

2009-10-19T16:37:00.000-05:00

The problem with cell phone cameras is that people can take them anywhere. The common example is a locker room, but I read today about a stage manager who used his iPhone to spy on an actress in her dressing room. Hopefully I don't need to point out that being a voyeur is not only impolite but also, generally, illegal. However, less egregious examples are worthy of some etiquette-oriented reflection.

Having a camera constantly on the ready prevents a lot of "darn, I wish I had brought a camera moments." That combined with the essentially free nature of digital photographs enables a whole lot of pictures to be taken that might never have been captured in the past. Additionally, the Internet allows for these images to be shared widely. This is great for showing the grandparents a baby's first steps, but it also results in the journalistic recording of far less noble events.

I know they are funny, but please don't publish embarrassing photos of your friends without their consent. And if you publish a photo that a friend wants to be "untagged" from or wants to have totally deleted, please respect those wishes. (True, nothing is ever truly deleted from the Internet. Cached archives get generated too quickly, and you never know who may have done a right-click>save already. Still, you can minimize the damage by removing something quickly.) Realize that your definition of embarrassing may vary from that of your friend, or they may want the picture removed for another reason. Perhaps they are avoiding a stalker. Perhaps they are trying to establish a false alibi. Perhaps it just makes them look fat. Regardless, the polite thing to do is to give them some control over images of them put on the web.

Additionally I add this even though few will heed it: Please don't post embarrassing pictures of strangers. I know we are a voyeuristic society, but most of you won't think "People of Walmart" is nearly as funny when you find yourself featured on it. If a photo goes viral it can make its way back to the subject who may not be as amused. If someone is amused by an embarrassing photo that person is probably a reality-show-seeking exhibitionist, who should not be encouraged. The classy thing is not to mock strangers in a public forum. (In private forums, however, this is called "wit" or "social satire" and will usually improve your cocktail party banter.)

Are you coming or not?!?

2009-10-17T10:44:00.000-05:00

A friend just posted this status on Facebook:

$^#& - if you don't want to come to a wedding then don't RSVP. That's what RSVP cards are for! Honestly, I don't mind if you say "no" to the RSVP, but don't say "yes" only to change your mind 2 days be...fore. Most people don't realize (until they've planned a wedding) that the meals/slots are nonrefundable starting the week of... I bet I'm going to cross the "$1k wasted on ghost-guests" threshold today...

My short answer is "yes!"

It's astonishing to me how many people don't RSVP to events or change their answer at the last minute. This may not be a big deal for a casual affair, but for a wedding or something else requiring planning knowing the guest count is very important to your host. Not responding or changing your response is just plain inconsiderate.

Sure, occasionally an invitation gets lost or circumstances may make you able to attend or not attend at the last minute. If that happens, apologize vehemently! Unfortunately, many people are habitual non-responders or mind changers. If that is you, stop it. You're costing people money. In the case of an event with seat assignments you are also causing stress because adjusting seating charts is a pain in the ass.

I think the level of rudeness increases with the formality of the event. Therefore, these breaches of etiquette are most egregious for something like a wedding. However, most hosts appreciate having an idea of how many people to expect, so it is thoughtful to respond accuarately to evites and Facebook announcements as well.

Subject: Use One

2009-10-13T11:43:00.001-05:00

I have a feeling technology will be a frequent subject on this blog. Technology has made us more interconnected than ever before, but it also creates more opportunities for rudeness and misunderstanding. Decorum is often overlooked in exchange for a quick contact fix, in a serious need for some etiquette guidance.

For this first technology etiquette post I'll start at the top...of an email that is:
Always include meaningful subject lines on your emails.

Include as much detail in the subject line as you can without becoming overly long. For example, "lunch today?" is a better subject line than just "lunch?" because it makes it clear that you are not asking about "lunch next Friday?"

The subject line is there for a reason. It helps someone to identify which messages to read first. Perhaps more importantly, it helps someone locate a message that was previously read.

The subject line also helps confirm that this email is from a person as opposed to being generated by a virus or spambot. This is particularly important if you are sending a message to someone who may not immediately recognize your name, but security savvy friends who may know that email addresses can be spoofed may be wary of emails with subjects like "hello" or "that file you wanted" even if they are from a familiar sender. To help ensure that your email doesn't get dragged to the spam folder include a meaningful subject line.

In threaded email clients, like GMail, the subject line is used to group related messages. As a result, it is important not only to include a meaningful subject line but also to change the subject line if you are sending a reply that is off topic. This will help the recipient find your message later without having to remember that you sent that handyman's phone number in the thread about a friend's upcoming birthday party.

In a world of rapidly refilling inboxes, most people will appreciate any assistance they can get in organizing their many incoming email messages. Including meaningful subject lines is considerate, increases the likelihood that your message will be read, and only takes a few seconds.